Snarky Advice for Aspiring Critics

I was over at Something Awful, checking out these designs they'd done for imaginary Criterion Collection DVD covers (you can see the rather amusing one they mocked up for that awful Cannibal Holocaust thing right here), and my eye was caught by a little featurette called "Everett True's Advice for Aspiring Critics"

Now, I'd never before heard of Everett True, but if he's famous enough to be asked by Something Awful to write something, you can be sure he's read by more people than yours truly. So, leaving aside questions of whether or not I myself am a critic, or even intend to be one, I followed the link to see if I might learn something useful.

Uh, nope.

I found Mr. True's 38-point list to be representative of that part of the Internet Which Sucks, snarky, superior, and most of all, of the very troublesome opinion that a cultivated apathy is the best attitude to take when approaching the arts.

Not to sound like Wavy Gravy or anything, but Back In My Day, people actually CARED about the music they listened to, and if they were driven to write about it, well, you could be sure they really, really, fucking cared.

Now, I guess not. And you kids get offa my lawn!

Anyway, I thought I might write a little rebuttal. I wasn't gonna go over all 38 of his points, and I only got through four before feeling the need to order a pizza, but these'll get you started, and I'll probably write some more tomorrow.

(To keep things compact, I've set it up where you click the point to see True's elaboration, and my rebuttal. Click it again to contract back.)


1) Don't ever attempt to apologise for holding an opinion.

EVERETT: This is fundamental. The clue is in your job title. You are a music critic. So criticise. People will disagree with you. That is their prerogative. They are also wrong.

RASTRONOMICALS: Actually I am down with this.

2) 400 words good. 800 words fucking horrible.

EVERETT: Self-explanatory, really. The extra 400 words will be flimflam discussing how you showed up to the concert late because the police pulled over the car in front of yours, or lengthy excerpts from the press release. Don't take it to Chris Weingarten excess, though. Don't start believing that just because you can understand what the hell you're going on about in 140 characters, and you get all your references and context and shorthand and such, anyone else will. Music criticism should not be crossword compiling.

RASTRONOMICALS: I'll let you know the problems with an 800-word piece if I can ever whittle one of my posts down to that kind of a word-count. But laughable, really: I'm reminded of Jeffrey Jones in Amadeus prattling on about "too many notes." And as far as music criticism not being like the compilation of crosswords, why not? Readers LOVE to have their own cleverness reinforced to them. I know because I am one, and I do.

3) Most musicians are cunts.

EVERETT: So you shouldn't feel sorry for having a go at them, if required. Occasionally, I'm asked to lecture media students about music criticism. I tell them that what I do is a craft, an art, and a thousand times more creative than the music I write about. It must be, because I make that dullest of breeds - the musician - sound interesting.

RASTRONOMICALS: I think, Mr. True, that you need to be careful of a priori arguments like "most musicians are cunts." They may very well in fact be cunts, but you always like to cite proof of your grand, sweeping, prejudiced statements. And what is it with this apparent need you have to feel superior to your subjects?

4) The music industry is not your friend. Unless you choose to make it so.

EVERETT:
Don't be fooled into thinking that just because folk are nice to you when you're starting off, and flood your mailbox with free CDs and offers of free concert tickets, they are your friends. They're not. They're simply trying to figure out how much of a soft touch you are. Of course, this can cut both ways.

RASTRONOMICALS: When I was in college, I wrote for, and then ran, a fanzine for a little bit, and both SST and Homestead would send me albums from time to time. And in return it would be suggested that I interview, like, Zoogz Rift. Which I never did. But in the internet age, and as a result of this blog, the only thing I've ever gotten for free was a link that pointed to the Research Turtles album. It was (and is) pretty good, but I certainly don't think they're my friends, or believe me to be a soft touch, for that matter. I just think they wanted someone to listen to their record.